I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
