New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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