I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
