She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
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