I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
