I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
