Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
