Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
