Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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