i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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