And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
