Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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