what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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