he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
