You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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