In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
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Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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