I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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