Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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