FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
