apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
