Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
