Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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