Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
