We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
