I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
