that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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