I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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