I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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