I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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