Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
