She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
