Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
