I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
