Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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