last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
