and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
