i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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