They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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