This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
