I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
