I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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