Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
my being single is dangerous.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
