I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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