it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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