I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
