He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
