Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
