So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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