im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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