any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
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Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
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You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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