I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
