watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
