marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
