I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
