I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
