i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
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If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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