Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
