The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
