drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
farters have to be the big spoon...
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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